Meet the Sh*t Show

WELCOME! This is least our alter egos. We are six humans, one dog, one cat and several ladybugs. We live in a  suburb in one of the six New England states in a neighborhood filled with trees, lopsided-mailboxes, a couple of circles and a lane. 

Astrological Sign: Capricorn
Chinese Zodiac:    Rooster 

Vanilla Thunder
is 10 going on 10. He weighs in at 53 pounds and is 52 feet tall, oops...I mean 52 inches. Vanilla loves hoops, roasting people both living and dead, scifi/fantasy, is an avid reader and lover of arena rock (think Queen and Journey), and is a charter member and the first and only 'Jokester of the Week' in the school Jokester's Club.

Astrological Sign:  Libra
Chinese Zodiac:     Dog 

Leather Tuscadero is 8 going on 18. She's a leather-wearing princess who wishes she'd been an only child. She enjoys fashion-forward outfits think mixing leopard print with stripes and  she also loves animals. Though she once threatened to send her sister to a kill shelter, Leather T. will always defend her siblings, even in a country corn maze. She can also hold her own against any ninth grader in a spelling bee. Can you spell dictionary? Can you punk?

Astrological Sign:  Taurus
Chinese Zodiac:     Rabbit

Tight Pants is 3 going on 30 and has the mouth of a truck driver, dropping S-bombs the way other three-year-olds drop their ABC's. She has a proclivity for comedy and loves the work of those two guys who sing her song, "Tight Pants," Will Fallon and Jimmy Ferrell (wait, switch those...she always gets them mixed up).

Astrological Sign:  Aquarius
Chinese Zodiac:     Snake

Hockey, you guessed it, loves hockey. He is 2, but doesn't look a day over 19 months. He loves hockey so much that when he encounters a goalie, he points and yells, "I love that guy," much to the embarrassment of Leather T and Vanilla Thunder. His new favorite thing is the Zamboni. He dislikes RL Stine's Goosebumps preferring the rhythmic melodies of the girls from Lego Friends who are always fu*king singing. I don't know why they're so happy, they're made of plastic pieces that snap together.

Astrological Sign:  Aries
Chinese Zodiac:     Dragon

Mister is the king of our sh*t show, much to his delight. He can fix almost nothing and he is NOT handy, but he makes a mean calzone and can rock a sweater vest better than Chandler Bing. We found each other in 2002, but it feels like we've been together since the Dawn of Time. He is the cutter of grass, shoveler of snow and my partner in all things stinky, sticky and gross. 

The Animals: 

Elsa, our pit is the sh*t. She eats shoes, clothes and anything else that strikes her fancy. Her svelte 70 pound frame can knock kids down in a single swing, but we love her. 

Daisy is our cat, and as such is aloof. She has been mad at us since we brought Elsa home and will not leave the second floor. In a show of protest, she refused to have her picture taken. 

The Ladybugs. Yes, Leather T and Tight Pants are running what appears to be a ladybug commune in the book nook outside of their room. There are so many, I am thinking I may be able to start charging rent. 

Astrological Sign:  Gemini
Chinese Zodiac:     Rabbit
And then there's me...wiper of asses, noses and any other leaking or dripping orifice. I am the lady and Mombie of the house. I enjoy swearing, dislike stoves, toaster ovens and other fire-causing products, which may be the reason I hate to cook and iron. Either that, or I'm just lazy. 

Welcome to our suburban sh*t show. Thanks for taking the time to meet us. Please leave us a comment below to let us know you stopped by....

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  1. . Love the descriptions- so funny and clever!

  2. What did I tell you about Leather Tuscadaro!!! I'm disappointed in you :(


  4. Thankfully I got my shit together and am totally enjoying your blog. Your family descriptions are hilarious.

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  8. I came across your HuffPost article and enjoyed every cringe worthy moment of it. I'm a 43 year mombie of twin 7 year old divas and a 4 year old little dude. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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  10. I've only read the Meet the Sh*t Show part, but you're hilarious! Leather Tuscadero is an awesome name! Looking forward to reading the rest Work is slow and boring. You are not.
    Also, I read your story on working in a grocery store. I worked at Joann Fabrics & Crafts for 5 years, hid from people I knew until my 4th year there. Stupid. I TOTALLY agree with what you learned working there. I was such an ass before that job. I like and respect people so much more now.


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