I Am Not The Person I Thought I Would Be. Are You?



I am standing in my kitchen wiping the counter tops when the first wave hits. It is a moment of sheer panic, frightening in its ability to stop me. The crippling seconds are a monster I have only recently discovered. Piles of papers glare at me from underneath the microwave, the broken dishwasher lies dormant beckoning me to call a plumber and have it fixed, the linoleum bathroom floor is peeling in a conspicuous spot directly by the door. I cannot hide it in a closet or throw it in a drawer as I do with so many other things lately.


"Fix me," the house screams as I break out into a cold sweat. I cannot move, but if I could I would brush every last bit of paper into the trash without thought, pound on the dishwasher with a sledge hammer or a meat mallet (a more likely find), and tear up the bathroom floor. My immobility is a blessing then, at least I can't ruin the house filled with flaws and reminders of my inability to be the adult that I had always hoped I would be. 

And there it is, the truth, the confession, one I am not even sure I was aware of: I am NOT who I wanted to be. I am the woman in the kitchen who has forgotten how to care for herself. I am the woman who never built a foundation so now I float in the puffy clouds, which while beautiful, actually have the potential to suffocate me. After attempting to sit down, I begin the list in my head. Having always been a list maker this seems both reasonable and comforting to me. Who am I? I need to answer that question before I can figure out how to become who I want to be. 

I am a 41 year old mother of four. I am an introverted 41 year old mother of four with few friends. I am a 41 year old cashier at a grocery store with a Masters Degree. I am a 41 year old woman with varicose veins, a lazy eye and a sour disposition. I have no career. I have never built that. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am angry. I am sad. I am disappointed. The list is made. I am all these things. But, I find myself wondering, am I only these things? 

I begin the list again. The list must be revised, I realize, because it is not entirely right. Things are missing. 

I am a 41 year old mother of four who was abandoned by her parents and now needs to be with her children as much as possible. I am a 41 year old mother of four who works at a grocery store because it allows me to spend the days with my kids. I am a 41 year old mother of four who is writing a book and is teaching her children to follow their dreams even when life has told them they are too old, or too impractical. I am a 41 year old woman with a family I love and a house with a peeling bathroom floor and other defects. It matches me in its imperfection, but it is comfortable and big enough and it is home. It is a place where memories are made and I am thankful.  

I am a fighter for the underdog, the misfit, the truth (even when it hurts) teller, the introvert who sometimes enjoys the company of others.  I am a 41 year old with veins in legs that work and are strong, and eyes that while lazy are able to watch my children change from day to day. I am a 41 year old woman who has lived 11 years longer than the mother, my mother, who didn't get this far. The mother who never had a house with flaws, or a marriage that she worked hard on, or children who counted on her, and knew her. The mother who could never truly be a mother because she succumbed to an addiction she couldn't fight. 

I am so many things I realize as I mentally refine my list. Fine, I am NOT the person I thought I would be. But maybe that's okay. Maybe it's time to stop comparing and being envious. Maybe it's time to embrace the life I have, instead of the life I thought that I was supposed to. No, I am NOT the person I thought I would be. Are any of us? Does life even allow for that? I am NOT that person. Instead, I am this one. I am a flawed, imperfect dreamer. I am all the things that I need to be. Maybe you are too. 

The Vag Gadge--Getting Personal with an FUD




I can't believe the things people come up with. Recently, after my rant about Period Panteez, a friend of mine tossed a gem my way. The Female Urination Device (FUD, yes FUD) or STP (stand-to-pee device, no I'm not making this shit up) offers ladies the ability to stand while peeing, or to piss like a guy.

How To Have A Happy 1980's 4th of July


For those of us who grew up in the 1980’s the 4th of July was the event of the summer. This year show your family what the best summer holiday was like back in the day.

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