4 Family-Friendly Slasher Films

If you grew up in the 1980's renting slasher films from your local video store, you may remember them with a hazy and nostalgic fondness. With Halloween just around the corner, you may even attempt to re-watch them, but if you have young children this won't be easy. First, you'll have to usher your children to bed. Then, you'll have to wait for them to fall asleep, which could mean bathroom trips, cups of water, and words of comfort or scorn. Once they are settled, you will have to monitor sound with your finger carefully placed just above the pause button. You won't want to scar your children with the screams or sights of young, sex-crazed, drunken teens being disposed of in one gruesome manner or another. 

Being a parent means protecting your children from such images until they at least hit middle-school, and then, turning a blind eye once they begin watching these sorts of movies. Besides, you'll reason, you watched these very same films in your formative years and you turned out just fine. But, maybe there's another way, maybe there is a way to make your favorite films family-friendly. What? The family-friendly slasher film. Crazy? Not really. With a few tweaks, and a bit of imagination, watching slashers can be as enjoyable a family activity as sitting around the campfire singing Kumbaya.

1. A Nightmare On Elm Street--Several teens find themselves unable to sleep, because they fear the dreams they've been having about a disfigured man in a red and black sweater. He has horrible razor sharp nails. After some research they find that the poor man was burned in a horrible accident and is now living in a local basement. They all rally together by setting up a GoFundMe account and having a good old-fashioned car wash. They raise enough to fund plastic surgery in the Swiss Alps. Fred Krueger, trades in the dirty, old sweater for a tight-knit one, heads to Hollywood and becomes a famous actor.  As a way to thank the kids for helping him, Fred (now known as Channing) returns to his hometown of Springwood to carve pumpkins with the help of his old finger-knife contraption, much to the delight of kids and parents alike.

From this:


To this: 


2. Friday the 13th--Camp Crystal Lake is such a fun and upbeat place for campers. This summer there is a new counselor fresh off a stint as an NHL hockey player. Jason Voorhees was so good they even retired his number, 13. He is so devoted to the new hockey program at Camp Crystal Lake that he vows to never taken his hockey mask off. The real truth is that he lost an eye when he caught a stick to his face during an untelevised game for charity. His mother, a woman who helicopter parented when it wasn't cool, is the regional vice-president of Helicopter Makes You a Hero. She will be joining him at camp as the rink manager and was quoted in the camp newsletter. "Wherever Jason goes, I go. I don't care if he's a grown man, grown men still need their mothers. If you hear anyone saying otherwise send them my way and I'll straighten them out." 

Image courtesy of the Camp Crystal Lake Chronicle: Mrs. Voorhees, the original Smother....


3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre--Deep in the heart of Texas there is a little family who once lived a crazy life of crime. But, when we meet them they have just been released from a social rehabilitation program (think A Clockwork Orange minus the pins in the eyes, because this is family television) This after Grandpa had a heart attack and his doctor advised him to give up meat (both human and animal). The whole family (being so tight and supportive) have decided to follow suit and embrace a vegan lifestyle. And in an effort to bring peace to a community they once terrorized, and keep their chainsaw skills fresh, the whole clan will be creating ice sculptures and wooden toys for the Christmas Toy drive. The party will be held at their home after it is also gussied up with the help of HGTV's The Property Brothers. They promise granite counters, open concept and oodles of curb appeal. And the 1980's band, The Fine Young Cannibals, will sing the Christmas classics. The whole things is, of course, will be documented on a new reality show called from The Real Hillbillies of Texas.

With the help of HGTV's Property Brothers people will no longer be running from this house...


4. Scream--In a bold move, ABC brings back the Afterschool Special. Ghostface, we come to find out, wears the black and white mask to hide his true feelings after his parents divorce. Sheriff Dewey uncovers the truth while conducting the local DARE program at the high school. His girlfriend, Sidney, brings it up because she is worried about Ghostface's behavior. He's been tipping trays over at lunch and threatening kids with sporks. They find the fumes from the mask are making him 'high,' and are part of the problem. In a daring and kind gesture, the principal, played by the Fonz, enlists the help of ex-janitor, Fred Kruger, a former bad boy who turned things around and moved to Hollywood to become a big star. Ghostface, with his vast knowledge of scary movies, gets an internship with Fangoria. And, he works his way through college by becoming the new voice behind moviefone after the first guy mysteriously dies.

WARNING: This contains mature content and it is advised that children younger than 12 do not watch. Adults are encouraged to view this program with their children and have an open and honest discussion about divorce, drugs, and the hidden dangers of spork use in school cafeterias. 

Fonzie showing Ghostface how silly it is to wear a mask.


If you enjoyed this post check out last week's post:

5 Reasons I'll Never Realize my Dream of Being a Stepford Wife

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  1. Again this was great and seriously best Fonz reference I have seen in a long time by far!! ;)

  2. Is it weird that I have never watched any of these films? I am super scaredy cat!

    1. You should totally try it some night. So much fun!


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