6 Apocalyptic Endings: Which Works Best for Your Family

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. ~Robert Frost 

The end of the world has been predicted for centuries. Yet, here we STILL all are. Of course, with all the chaos and douchebaggery, it isn't hard to believe that some day  this nutty existence, the only one we all know, will come to a halting, crashing, devastating end. But, how? Doomsdayers, religious leaders, scientists, poets and even American hip-hop groups have all offered their two (sometimes more like 50) cents, whether we've asked for it or not.While the apocalypse is a scary and overwhelming possibility, it doesn't have to be. Depending on how the world ends you and your family may just survive and thrive.


Does your family live near the ocean or have a backyard pool? Do your kids take to the water like fish because you've selflessly endured swim lessonsm even when it meant putting on a momkini and getting in right alongside them all while teenagers pointed and giggled? If so, a flood may seem the ideal way to go. Add in a handy husband who has the building skills to whittle a cruise-ship, sized boat from wood, and you'll be drinking pina coladas and sailing the swelling seas--while the rest of the world tries to stay afloat.


The next ice-age would actually be a tough one to endure. Though there is the potential (think cryogenics) to bring a person back after they've been in a state of suspended, icy animation is it really ideal to create a freeze pop family? And what would the world be like when we came back from such a state? What new breed would have cropped up in our place? Never mind, ice is not family-friendly at all, and the potential for survival (especially as a family unite) is abysmal. The one exception could be people living in especially frigid environments like Siberia (and Maine).

Zombie Apocalypse

While currently the most popular apocalyptic ending, thanks to television, movies and books, is it the best for your family? Maybe, maybe not. Zombies are slow, which is great, your family can outrun them. Of course, have you ever tried to motivate a toddler? They too  are slow and focus on silly things, like peeling skin off fruit that doesn't have any, at inopportune times. But surely when they notice a zombie walking toward them with hanging and rotted flesh they'll run. Not necessarily, toddlers move to their own beat at their own pace, and they are loud. The undead respond to noise. And while you may have seen the toddler zombie babies in stores and they seem cute in a marred and scarred sort of way, rest assured that a toddler zombie is the saddest zombie of all.  However, all is not lost, if you are toddler-free, Zombies could work.

The Plague, The Plague (Any Plague)

Here's the thing, not all plagues are the same.  Bubonic plague, seems like a cuddly teddy bear, as it can be successfully treated with antibiotics if diagnosed early. However, pneumonic plague, the wicked step-father of the infectious world, is one of the most deadly infectious diseases; patients can die 24 hours after infection. This would lead you to believe that if the outbreak is the right sort, your family and many others will survive the apocalypse. However, with the way children share drinks, makeup, candy and other things infections would spread far and fast, even those found early. You've seen the way the little germ-spreaders bring shit home from school and daycare. And the thing about infections--they mutate and adapt into super bugs resistant to antibiotics. Who's to say this can't happen with the plague? Look at what's happening with head lice right now. 

Head Lice

I know this hardly seems possibly, but if the little f*ckers team up with the plague, in some sci-fi, made for television scenario, this could happen. These suckers spread rapidly, and without a ton of authoritarian supervision or intervention. In fact, children are now allowed into schools with active outbreaks, and many parents are embarrassed to admit their kids have lice. Stop the stigma, end the silence--because if you don't this could be the end of the world and it will not be family-friendly, at all. Lice love families, they are a collective feeding unit, an endless supply of blood. 

Asteroid or Nuclear Impact

Humans would likely survive, but civilization might not. The devastating aftereffects would include radiation and the results would be ugly. Any child of the 80's remembers the post apocalyptic movie, The Day After. It wasn't pretty. Jason Robards with wispy hair...that man was not meant for wispy hair. Are any of us?Nuclear impact--Totally not family-friendly. The peeling flesh and balding heads of your loved ones would make for a graphic and violent end.

So there it is. The end will not be pleasant, but depending on how it happens you and your family could survive. Though I'm not sure you'd want to...


If you've enjoyed this post, please check out my previous post on Sins of the Parent: A Shit Show Confession.


  1. Hahahahaha omg, you had me at the building a cruise ship out of wood!!! Loved it!

  2. If I can, I'd like to request that we don't go out via head lice. That just seems not fun.

  3. Thanks, building an arc now. We live 7 miles from the ocean....sigh.


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