Mother's Day 1980 Something

The kids woke me up this morning with a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. I did my best to chew through the pain, but the top of my mouth took a hulk-sized beating. I thanked them with a pixie stick before they left to go ride their bikes in those trails over behind the high school. I gave Bobby a dime for the payphone, and told him to keep it in his shoe in case of an emergency. Then, I went downstairs to make a cup of Sanka. I almost splurged on Taster’s Choice. I love their commercials where they go to a fancy restaurant and swap the swanky coffee out with their coffee, but Dan says that sort of bullsh*t drives the price of coffee up. Maybe he’s right.

Damn it, I only have half a pack of Salem’s left. After dinner, I’ll have Bobby run down to the corner store and pick up a few soft packs. Of course, I’ll have to send him with a note. He always forgets the brand. Damn kid, last time I gave him a dollar, he came home with no change and told me the price went up. I think he bought a hoodsie or some Hubba Bubba.

Dan went outside to tinker with our new computer, a Commodore 64. The kids spend hours playing games on the thing. It thought it was a godsend, until I realized they wanted to spend all their time indoors. One day I had to lock them out so I could watch my soaps.

I tried to get a workout in with Richard Simmons or Jane Fonda. Last week, I went to Zayre’s because they had a sale on the leg warmers that matched my bright pink leotard. I mean I couldn't wear the leotard with my baby blue leg warmers, that would be almost as bad as wearing white before Labor Day. Oh, and I had a coupon too. When I put the tape in the VCR, those damn lines of snow kept showing up, the machine made a horrendous noise. When I pulled the tape out, half of it was stuck in the VCR. Thank goodness it wasn't a rental from the Video Depot.

In the afternoon, Janet called and we talked for about an hour about just who in the hell killed J.R. We both had our theories. I can’t believe we’ll have to wait until September to find out. The suspense is going to kill me. Someone beeped in for Jill, on call waiting, and I told them to call back later. Damn kids, think they own the phone. Jill even had the nerve to ask for one for Christmas. Over my dead body, she’d run our bill up in no time. I told her you can get a phone, when you get a job. She got a job working at Orange Julius out by the mall now.

After my phone call, I made Dan a spam sandwich on wheat bread, and brought it out to the garage. He said he wasn’t going to eat wheat bread. I told him the A&P was out of Wonder bread but I could make him something else. We still had meatloaf and tuna casserole in the fridge from last week. When I came in, I attached the hose to the sink,  and ran a load of dishes in the dishwasher. Mother’s Day or not, things still have to get done around here. While I was in the den dusting the end tables, Dan came in and told me to put the down the Pledge and get on my best blouse and slacks, we were going out for dinner.

We tried Bonanza, but the wait was just too long. The kids were getting antsy, so Dan threatened to take away the computer, and when that didn’t work he gave Bruce a swat on his behind. We headed to York Steak House out by the mall. Dan was so generous. He even splurged on an extra pat of butter and sour cream for my baked potato. Jill, impressed with her father’s generosity, told me she was going to make him one of those beaded pins all the kids put on the sneakers now. I laughed at the thought of Dan putting one on his Reeboks.

The kids were so excited when we let them get coke, instead of milk. It was a special occasion, but we told them just one. If they were stupid enough to finish their sodas before dinner came, they’d have to wait. We aren’t made of money. Jill didn’t finish her dinner because she filled up on rolls. Dan said she wasn’t getting up from the table, or having dessert, until every last bite was gone. He even threatened to get her a doggie bag, and told her dinner would be there waiting for her in the morning. When she finally finished, we got five spoons and split a carrot cake even though I have a coconut Betty Crocker cake at home. I guess I’ll save that for next week when the Miller’s come over.

The kids fought on the way home because Bobby kept sliding into Jill. She said he was doing it on purpose, he said his dad was taking the turns too fast. Dan hollered at him, and told him he’d ground him for a month if his dipshit antics didn’t stop. I enjoyed a Salem and did my best to stay out of it.

Back at home, we found Jill’s friend Darlene sitting on the porch. Apparently, she ran away after a fight with her mother because she wanted to use her babysitting money to buy tickets to see Bon Jovi. I told her if weren’t a Sunday, she could stay but not on school night. Jill stormed off to her room crying. I’ll give her something to cry about. My house, my rules, her father shouted after her.

After all the chaos, I poured myself a glass of chardonnay in one of the red cups I accidentally stole from the Pizza Hut out on Route 14. Then the kids and Dan got my presents. Bruce made me another glazed ashtray. It looks exactly like the one he gave me last year, that broke when the kids were playing ball in the house. I warned them. They weren’t allowed to watch television for a whole week. It was so nice to have the living room all to ourselves. No kids lounging all over the carpet because we don’t allow them on the couch. It did inconvenience us though. With no one to get up and change the channels, we were stuck watching the same station all night. Jill saved up her money and bought me some blue eye shadow and a banana clip. Bobby gave me the best gift though, a pair of rhinestone clip-on earrings I can’t wait to show off to Bev whose son always gives her something he finds in the yard. I’d ground him for a month. I kissed Bobby telling him again how he’s my favorite. And then Dan gave me a bottle of Opium. I prefer Poison, because if it’s good enough for Liz Taylor...but I didn’t tell him that.

All in all, a good day. Before bed I had to yell at the kids to, “get the hell to bed, because tomorrow is a school day.” They packed up their book bags and checked their Trapper Keepers for homework. Jill cried about her sewing project in Home Ec. I don’t know how she’ll ever find a husband. I stayed up to read but had to turn my light out because Dan was feeling frisky and I sort of owe him for the great dinner. I spritzed on a little Opium, and made a to do list in my head while we did it. I am a wonderful multi-tasker. Ahhh, so glad to have such a great family even if  they drive me crazy. I guess being a mother means putting up with a lot of bullsh*t and not losing your sh*t. Happy Mother’s Day!


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